Saturday, January 10, 2009
I have been writing continuously now. I need to set goals for myself. Goals that are achievable. Too much had been left on hold. Too much left to be accomplished. As i set out again to rediscover myself and to understand my thought process better. The last year was spent in fighting. Winning some and losing more.
Current state of my mind
It feels wierd. I suddenly realize that the person with whom i had spent every moment of my possibly utilized time has now decided to be no longer with me. I wake up with his dreams in my head. It feels odd because i feel as if he had a peek into my head, into my soul without my knowing it. And it was what he saw there which made him feel that perhaps i m not "mentally compatible with him". It feels odd because i was not able to gain a similar insight into his thought process. I feel vulnerable, alone. Momentarily i had led myself to believe that i just could be there. It would work out. The feeling of touch, of his hand on my mine. The feeling which made me speechless and my throat choke so that i could never really express how it felt to have his hand on top of my hand or his hand at the back of my back. The feeling of reassurance long gone, a part of me feels amputated. All those times when i could not return his smile, or i could not return his phone call or made him wait in his car for me now come back to haunt me. I am filled with remorse when i wonder what if it was a part of me that really drove him out. It is sad to realize that things had to end this way. That when they did end they brought back with them all the nightmares which i had thought were relegated to the past.
What hurts most is perhaps also the fact that i have lost yet another person with whom i could talk. Talk my heart out and tell him anything and everything. But did i really do that when i was with him? Or has this realization come a little too late. It was so easy for him to say that, "i need a break". The fact that he could distance himself and look at everything and decide what is the best and i was not makes me feel incompetent. It makes me doubt my eptitude. The fact that he could see and decide that it was not right and i could not. Was i blind? More than anything else he made me think. He made me doubt my inner most beliefs and values. I grieve at the loss of what is now gone. I have cried over it like i never have. This too had been anticipated by him. Alas! no matter what i do it cannot bring him back. " I shall be always in his thoughts", says he. But that is not sufficient for me. To not see him around me makes me imagine him around me like never before. I feel his presence all around me, in most inane of things. I hear him in my music, sense him in cigarrete smoke, see him in the empty office chair, feel him in my dreams.
I have now lost two very special people in my life. Lost what could probably have been one of the most contributing opportunities to my life. So what do i look forward to now? It feels to stand for myself again. Not that i m not used to it. But it was so good for a while to know what it is to have someone to share it all with that now i m left dumb. I talk to myself now in my head. Saying it all to him in my imagined conversations. My soliloquies seem to have no end. Its the bereavement of a good human good being. Someone who could think for himself. And of course his experiences. I miss his stories. The void left by his stories tailored perhaps at times to amuse me or tell me about life that exists beyond the unseen at others cannot be filled by anything.
These days i unconciously use the words that he used to, talk in the same way that he used or react to situations like he did. So much so that my way of recovering out of it all also depends on what he had to say to me in response to my urgent messages sent to him telling him about my sorry state caused by him leaving me.
Will it ever be the same again? It has never been easy for me to find myself a guy who can really understand me. So did i actually let someone slip by me who could really understand me in all entirety? Too many questions with unsatifactory and unconvincing answers.
What hurts most is perhaps also the fact that i have lost yet another person with whom i could talk. Talk my heart out and tell him anything and everything. But did i really do that when i was with him? Or has this realization come a little too late. It was so easy for him to say that, "i need a break". The fact that he could distance himself and look at everything and decide what is the best and i was not makes me feel incompetent. It makes me doubt my eptitude. The fact that he could see and decide that it was not right and i could not. Was i blind? More than anything else he made me think. He made me doubt my inner most beliefs and values. I grieve at the loss of what is now gone. I have cried over it like i never have. This too had been anticipated by him. Alas! no matter what i do it cannot bring him back. " I shall be always in his thoughts", says he. But that is not sufficient for me. To not see him around me makes me imagine him around me like never before. I feel his presence all around me, in most inane of things. I hear him in my music, sense him in cigarrete smoke, see him in the empty office chair, feel him in my dreams.
I have now lost two very special people in my life. Lost what could probably have been one of the most contributing opportunities to my life. So what do i look forward to now? It feels to stand for myself again. Not that i m not used to it. But it was so good for a while to know what it is to have someone to share it all with that now i m left dumb. I talk to myself now in my head. Saying it all to him in my imagined conversations. My soliloquies seem to have no end. Its the bereavement of a good human good being. Someone who could think for himself. And of course his experiences. I miss his stories. The void left by his stories tailored perhaps at times to amuse me or tell me about life that exists beyond the unseen at others cannot be filled by anything.
These days i unconciously use the words that he used to, talk in the same way that he used or react to situations like he did. So much so that my way of recovering out of it all also depends on what he had to say to me in response to my urgent messages sent to him telling him about my sorry state caused by him leaving me.
Will it ever be the same again? It has never been easy for me to find myself a guy who can really understand me. So did i actually let someone slip by me who could really understand me in all entirety? Too many questions with unsatifactory and unconvincing answers.
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