The more things the more they remain the same. I was going through old pictures of myself today and realised how much I used to travel earlier. Realised how much leeway I had during my Bangalore days. Looking at the pictures of my treks to the western ghats made me so nostalgic. But even more nostalgic were the excerpts of the gmail chats with my close friends. The chats reminded me how miserable I was in some of my jobs and how happy I was doing my own thing whenever I could. The best find undoubtedly has to be the audio recording of the pilot that I did for my radio audition. I don't sound half as bad as what my selector made it out to be . I was so hungry for life. So hungry to experience things and just lap it all up. The smile on my face in my old pictures is so genuine. But after reading my chats on gmail which date back to the last 10 years, there is one thing that is common and hasn't changed over the last decade. I have been so homesick. I have longed for the familiar and the known. Longed for the sights and smells and the food from my mom's kitchen. That longing has never gone way. The longing for home is trapped in the memories of my books , my study table, my small collection of posters and other memorabilia.
I realise that I have moved apart from so many people and so many connections over the last few years. I dont know if my choices have been all right. I dont know if I should have taken the more conventional road of marriage and family life. I just took the options that life threw at me. The last one year was very very tough. Dad fell so sick. And I took so much time to adjust to my own personal life.
The dynamics at home are very different now. There is a lot of overt politeness and righteousness that has to be displayed.
Reading my old texts on gmail chat reminded me how closely I was attached to my school friends and how much further I have now drifted apart from them now. The need to move to new cities and having to reinvent and make new friends and adjust to a new city life has taken its toll over the years. I feel as if some corners have been chipped away.
The last 1.5 months have been spent in a lockdown. I know that I am going crazy. I miss home like never before. I have daily phone calls with my parents but it just never seems enough. I get tired of doing the same routine over and over everyday. These days I long to see more people on the road who look like me.
The city feels very alien. Especially when I have to maintain a distance of 2m from the other joggers and walkers.
I guess what I miss most in this city is having friends. Especially girl friends who I can talk to and share everything with. There is no community here and sometimes it feels as if the burden of living is too heavy on my shoulders.
I looked so young and chiseled in my photo from 2016 when I had just come to london. I feel as if so much has changed since then. Except for one thing that I still cry when I leave home...
