Few things happened.
The brother got married. I am not the wise elder. I have a designated duty which is to be seen and to be present but not to advise and offer opinions. I am the one who could not get it right on time. But I must be bared with. I got so tired from the effort of not showing it, from the effort of keeping it up. It was so exhausting.
I underwent a minor diagnostic procedure . Alone with a oxygen pipe for comfort. I was naked and cold and scared. I had to come back home and pretend that I was ok.
I was dating an Italian. He ghosted on me. It is tiring. I am tired of selling myself, tired of being cool. It has such a high price. People disappearing hurts. And men think of me as an exotic experiment. I am a brown skinned person from the Far East. How cool it must be to friend me or date me. Gives so much of credo to the person doing it. Except that it sucks for me. I am so done with telling the same stories over and over. I don't know what is worse, having a voice or just silent assent.
My grandmother died. I was millions of miles away. The house won't be the same again. I dream of my grandparents. In the early morning waking hours. An association with home is lost. I am homesick. I long for stability. I long for a home of my own. I want my parents embrace. For someone to say that I am doing ok. I have been so tired lately.
The summer is back again. The days are long again. It is green everywhere and this pressure to be happy and sun tanned and of holiday plans to be made. I am tired of fitting random people into plans to make them work.
I see people around me getting settled more and more. I am caught up in this existential trap where I don't know if what I do is worthy enough to justify where I am right now.
