and so it is . i lie cowered in a corner. i have no brains or rather no fundamental values that can guide me through life. i don't understand things and hence i am deserving what i am getting. i need things to be spelt out infront of me. otherwise i don't get them. i am a kid who is yet to mature.
i feel alone but i cannot meet you and talk it out because you can't stand the pretension of being friends. but you can't answer my question either. when i ask you what you want to meet me as, you don't reply to me and draw a blank. but then again since i don't understand things i don't know what i am supposed to construe by your silence.
why does it have to be so difficult? so complicated. why can't things be normal again? if it didn't work out then so be it. why is it necessary that i continue to suffer this silence and the right to reach out to you is denied to me. everytime i ask you to meet me your standard reply is, "why do you want to meet me all of a sudden". you tell me that when you feel alone you don't ask me out for coffee because i won't like it. what i don't like is the fact that with every passing day i lose the connection to you. what i don't like is getting intimate in your car when i am supposed to be moving on. how do you expect me to move on when i sit with you with my face buried in your shoulders and your hands sizing me up.
i won't deny that that feeling of comfort is something that is sought by me every morning when i wake up. but i can't detach myself from you if i continue to be with you like this. the thought that i can't reach out to you kills me from within. why is it that you can't explain things to me if don't understand them? how difficult will that effort be? your replies are strong enough to move me to cries.
why couldnt you meet me? even if it was for the sake of pretension. what will it take to be with you again? i can't even discuss this with anyone. my friends will think i am really stupid to get involved with you. which probably i am. its really difficult to talk these days you know. many times when i am on phone with my friends, i realize that it is me who is pushing the conversation forward. you always said that you feel good when you are with me. you feel like yourself and you want to laugh and be happy. so why is it that now you refuse to see me?
i want this cringing feeling to stop and infact if just writing it down would cut it out then i will sit and type and write till it stops hurting. but no matter how much i write its not going to stop. i am again going to call you tomorrow and ask you - what do you want to meet me as?
Feeling so ignored has never hurt so bad. Even in school when all the girls would boycott me i would walk on my own and alone. i would hide in the girls loo so that no one found me out. now i don't even know where to hide and where to take cover. why is acceptance so hard? what line do i have to walk?
