in my head

i want to talk to you. tell you everything. tell you how my day went. how i fantasized about you kissing me. how good it feels when you laugh at something that i have said and answer sarcasm with further sarcasm. i feel a connection, albeit an imaginary connection with you.

i know that i don't exist for you. but when you respond to my messages in the middle of the night, i wake up from the sound of the ping. eager to talk to you lest i lose you again. you remark on my sleeplessness but i m sleepy eyed from the want of talking to you.

i look forward to meeting you and talking to you. the other day i imagined how it would be to lie next to you, cuddled in the curve of your body. and then waking up to the smile on your face.

the futility of these thoughts dont escape me. but i m helpless at the prospect of having found someone who understands me or even the illusion of it. i want to see your beard. you look rather good in it. i want to run my fingers through it. run my fingers on the back of your neck.

in my head there is a picture of two us travelling in your car. you are dropping me back home after what has been an eventful evening.. we have laughed, eaten and enjoyed our wine. we listen to the music in your phone. you remark on my wistfulness and i answer with playfulness. the night goes on and never ends..

we have lived in the same city for decades but our paths have never crossed. i wonder about what if they did.