Old homes and old streets

Today I dreamed of my old house in Bangalore. I have dreamt of my old bedroom many times. I remember the balcony in my old house, the large bedroom, the mattress on the floor with the lamp beside it that I would switch on in the evening and read in its light as the night grew all around me. In my dream I returned to the street where this house stood, I remember the big tree outside the house whose branches gave the cover and shadow to the balcony. I am picking up the pieces that I had left behind, picking up the bits that I did not pack. There were pictures and open trunks and cupboards that I was sifting through. Later I went for a walk in the neighbourhood through the old trees and the old houses. I was searching and smiling in the dream.

Many years back i was in a similar situation, I didn't know who i was. It took me so long to break out of the relationship, I just couldn't decide and I couldn't take the decision to break away. I just remember how confused I was and I was angry all the time. When I finally took the decision to break away, I took out time to work on myself. I started practising yoga and found an anchor to keep my mind at bay. And found out that I was desired and became physically stronger. 

Yesterday in my dream I visited that house where I had learnt what it meant to be free. It is so strange to have that dream make me realise that feeling again. Today I am terribly alone but terribly liberated at the same time. I don't breathe in fear of doing something wrong or of being suspected of any wrong doing. I had forgotten what it felt like to walk free. And that dream reminded me of how I had felt months after I thought that i will continue to feel miserable but later learnt to be free. Yesterday in my dream i was nostalgic and smiling and clutching at those memories. 

Today I remembered what it was to be free and not to live in constant fear. I want to remember this feeling of walking free again of not looking over my shoulder of not thinking that I am doing something wrong and remember to feel the wind in my hair.