Musings of an evening

Yet another evening. The cloak of music helps to feign ignorance about the happenings around me. They say that destiny happens when you least expect it. At this moment I could long for nothing more than a warm hug and an appreciative smile. 

I have been thinking about the loss of language a lot off late. The only language that I know and feel competent about is now an impendiment to making conversation. It doesn't matter how many ways that I know to express myself if all that does is to draw a laugh from the people around me. It feels odd when the jokes are not funny enough when said out aloud. The effort taken to enunciate every vowel out loud robs the joke out of any remnants of humour. At times it feels like being back in the high school.

I am sitting in a coffee shop reminded of the conversation that I had with P. She mentioned her friend who would go to coffee shops and cry from loneliness. At least I am writing and not crying.

I remember saying to a friend that I alway keep a 30% margin of going wrong with what I wear. Though sometimes it goes more wrong like it has today.

It felt very strange and awkward to sit across a friend and watch her as she got ready for a date while I got ready to pack up and go home and sleep alone. There was a pinch in her infectious energy. I felt very odd when I saw her make out with a boy who would have asked me out if I had not pushed my back to his face. At that moment I wished if I could just disappear. I felt like th outsider that I looked. 

The choices of meal options to be chosen in my last trip had to be the trickiest. I know that I have never cared about meat but when the whole perception hinges around how well I order food and distinguish one form from the other, It made me feel so out of depth. It made me realise how much I missed travelling alone . It is lonely but it gives me so much freedom to choose the form of food that I want to have and the places that I want to go to.